Zombie Caretaker

I'm here yet again. Calling out to the realm of ghosts and spirits. I didn't realize how much I was dependent on the positive regard. I didn't know that this is what I felt in between the messages, in between the affirmations. The next message calmed the fire but never extinguish it. The match was lit long ago. Today was very difficult. It's really hard to not reach out, not to try again. No good morning. No goodnight. As if I am already dead. Did I made her my higher power? Is that something that I can still do after all this time? I felt so good for the first time in a while. Sigh. I did love the good times. It's so cruel. Why can't I feel that way all the time? Did I make her my drug? My numbing medicine from all the anxiety and sadness? I hope not. I really hope not. I didn't mean any disrespect. I tried my best. I really did. I can't believe I'm still going. I thought that I wouldn't be able to write like this after so long, after I lost half my brain. I remember after I broke my head, all I could do was wait on the messages to make myself feel better. I wanted to feel better. I still want to feel better. Wasn't that what it was supposed to be about? Wasn't she supposed to be the one to take it all away? To do away with the pain? How silly. How sad. How insidious. I remember when I first discovered that the Pain Remover didn't actually exist and I was absolutely devastated. I tried to trick myself to believe that she actually did exist. It is truly insane to both believe somebody is alive and dead at the same time. A zombie caretaker. However, the brain eater must be destroyed, as I am tried and I've only half a brain left.