The Toxic Effect of Shame

As an Arab, shame has been a major part of my life. Growing up, I have very often evaluated my worth and value according my actions, my accomplishments and, not surprisingly, people’s opinion of me. Recently, I've been considering the negative impact that shame has had on my life and how in many cases it prolonged bad situations, instead of deterring me from them. It’s interesting that after having spent so much time making shame an essential element of my life, I now stop and condemn the role that shame has played in my life and expose it for what it is: unbeneficial, ineffective, unnecessary and certainly destructive.

Let me be clear. I use the word “shame” to describe the behavior in which people degrade and blame themselves when they do something they perceive as wrong. It is also important to differentiate between shame and the common Islamic Arabic word “hayaa,” which has been picked up by spoken Arabic to indicate shame. However, whereas “hayaa” indicates holding one’s self to a high regard above sin and self-destruction, shame carries almost the exact opposite meaning which only condemns and degrades the self and furthers the state of loss and desperation.

I had the opportunity to attend some years of my middle school and high school in my homeland of Palestine. In my city, the Palestinian public system included a religious curriculum, which is not uncommon in that part of the world. I remember a lesson once in which the subject of repentance and forgiveness was discussed. In order to repent from a sin, the lesson taught, the believer must go through a series of steps in order to increase their likelihood that they will be forgiven by God, as that is something that nobody can every guarantee or know about except God Almighty. The lesson is a bit vague in my mind, but from what I recall, one must first acknowledge the sin that was committed, then feel bad/guilt for having committed the sin and then be insistent to never repeat the sin again. It was only through these steps that one can truly repent and be forgiven from committing the sin. These simplistic teachings give the idea that sin is rare, damning and unnatural. This systematic robotic approach would become my primary toolset in the face of sins and mistakes.

Not surprisingly, this didn't do me much good. As a born perfectionist, I aimed to live the most “perfect” life I could. I held myself to unrealistic expectations and continuously went against my own rule book. Every time I broke the “system,” I would blame and shame myself for failing to live the “good Muslim life.” After feeling bad about myself for a certain amount of time, I would have “paid off my dues” and it was right back into trying to uphold my “system” only fail again and again and again. It was in this mentality that I would start college and through this lens I would continue to judge myself with little self-compassion and a whole lot of shame, even until today.

Looking back, I can see now that my overall approach to good and bad had always been skewed by a very unrealistic outlook which lacked basic recognition of humanity. I had learned my religion and spiritual approach (if any) through a political institutional system which reduced Islam to a rule book of conformity. It overshadowed the human image of the Prophet and disregarded the flawed nature of the first generation of Muslims. Instead of recognizing my imperfect mistake-prone humanity, I had held myself against the example of the infallibles and in the process becoming more and more fallible. The essence and spiritual aspects of the religion were seen as innovations rather than important complimentary elements. More details regarding my religious and spiritual journey will have to be reserved for another blog entry. I mention it here to provide context to the main subject here: shame.

I was never taught what to do after I sin. My head has been jam packed with how not to sin my whole life, mostly by speakers who usually spoke with an arrogant self-righteous holier-than-thou tone. But I don’t think I was ever taught how to manage my life as a sinner. I think this aspect of spiritual guidance is ignored in our society because often times it is seen as if it is validates the actual sin. Often times it is uncomfortable to talk about, especially from the perspective of those who may not have had experience in that specific sinful behavior. Sometimes people don’t want to face that aspect of them so they end up being extra harsh on themselves and other people with little compassion for themselves and others. Please notice that I use the word sin very liberally here. It could include anything from sinful in a religious context to self-recognized destructive behavior. I was chatting with a Muslim community leader once and passively suggested that we should have an environment that is inclusive and safe for sinners. They reacted defensively and expressed that they would fear that such an environment would be encouraging the sin rather than guiding the sinner. So unfortunately, in this environment, the sinner is often pushed into a mentality of secretive shame with no support. The only solace that they receive is usually from other sinners who may exhibit the same shameful nature. It is very easy to become isolated, discouraged and hopeless, which does not help the individual, but rather push them into the same destructive patterns over and over again. Shame becomes a dangerous hook of self-condemnation and worthlessness, which opens up more avenues of self-destruction.

To those who find themselves being included in the previous paragraph, you are not alone; I’ve been there and so have many others as well. Sometimes I certainly am still there. Please know that it’s okay. You are okay. You are loved. There is only so much control we have on our lives and the circumstances that have led your life to become what it is today are not your fault. You have not fallen from God’s grace. God is all forgiving with an endless amount of mercy for those seek it, for those who don’t give up. Please don’t become hopeless. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. Feel your feelings. Don’t escape into the same destructive patterns. Don’t escape from your feelings. Stop condemning yourself, and most importantly of all, don’t shame yourself. Shame is not a righteous deed. It is expressing ungratefulness towards God by condemning the gift of life that he has given, which is in essence the definition of “kufr,” or disbelief. You were born good and you are still good. The default setting of any human being is good. Learn to stay in the moment, as uncomfortable as it may be. You just need the right tools to overcome your issues. You don’t have to act out. You don’t have to put yourself in circumstances that are destructive. You really don’t.

If these words echoed within you, then know again that you are not alone. Being a Muslim means to submit the self to God and admit powerlessness over many aspects of our lives. It’s a bit humorous and yet tragic that I have been a Muslim since birth but only recently began to really see how it is necessary to submit myself towards the will of God. Don’t get me wrong. It’s pretty tough and sometimes I don’t think I can do it. But I’m trying my best and I don’t plan to give up any time soon. This is the struggle of this life. It is the struggle to stay hopeful and have faith in God.

At the end of this post, I want to remind us of scripture that mentions that if people did not sin, then God would have replaced them with people who did sin so that they could sin and He could forgive them. There is divine wisdom in being imperfect and sinning and then seeking forgiveness while working on our character defects. I do not mean to condone sinful behavior, but rather, I’m just trying to be real and honest about the realities that we face as human beings. At the end, we are all accountable for what we do. So try your best because that’s all you can do…and if you can’t, that’s okay too. Just do what you can. May God bless us, guide us and forgive us all.